004; video; l.morningstar

[dealwiththe]

[ Hey look, it's Lucifer on ~video~ today. He's looking and sounding as earnest as anything - there's no way to misconstrue what he's doing here as anything other than completely in good faith. It's not a joke, not a troll, not snide or cynical. ]

I know from long experience that ignoring and bottling up the painful things that happen isn't good for anyone. I'm available to talk to, if anyone needs it. If not me, then I hope you'll talk to someone.

I'm not just talking about inmates, either.

[ He says all this, knowing the kinds of responses (or lack of responses) he's likely to get. He thinks it's important to make the offer, regardless. ]

Comments

[rank1]

[Travis shrugs, and it's not quite the easy gesture he'd usually give. He strolls right past Lucifer, up to the window. He knows he's being transparent, evasive. It bugs him. On the other hand, dancing around direct questions is lame as shit.]

Mom was great. She didn't have a mean bone in her body. She was the kind of woman who'd apologize to a table if she bumped into it. You ever met a woman like that?

[dealwiththe]

Yes, I have.

[ The thing with Lucifer is that - you get what you give. Honesty. Transparency. ]

The kindest people can be the most vulnerable to harm, in my experience.

[rank1]

Yeah. It's a real fucking bummer, huh?

[He jams his thumbs in his pockets, turns a decade-old question over in his head: did she deserve it? Still doesn't have an answer.

He glances sidelong at Lucifer.]

Her death didn't mean shit. All anyone's gonna remember her for is that she died a victim. That's the whole sum of her life.

[dealwiththe]

You don't have to remember her for that, though. You clearly don't, in fact.

[ Travis just told him a bunch of very nice things about her, including the fact that she was his mother. ]

[rank1]

No, I do. Because any time I think of her, I think about how pointless her death was. Everyone else's stories mattered more than hers, in the end.

[That feels genuinely easy to say.]

I think therapy just teaches people to be happy with that kind of stuff.

[dealwiththe]

In what way do other people matter more than her? What's your - I don't know, what's your means of determining who matters?

[ Because it seems to Lucifer that Travis's mother probably mattered very much - to Travis. ]

[rank1]

It's not me that doesn't think she matters, bro. I know my mother mattered 'cause she was a good person who did what she could for her kids even when her dreams were all brushed aside. It's the whole world that decided the only thing about her worth thinking about was the shitty way she died. She was fodder to them.

[dealwiththe]

Then why does it matter what anyone else thinks? Would she have cared?

[ Lucifer moves to sit in the first row of seating, crossing his legs and watching Travis pace about. ]

[rank1]

[He keeps pacing. There's a thread of agitation in his voice, even if he's keeping it tight behind his teeth.]

Because there's no fucking dignity in the world thinking of you as a victim at best and entertainment at worst. If she was okay with that, it'd break my fucking heart.

[dealwiththe]

Okay, but who is "the world" and how are they conferring "dignity" on someone?

[ Oh yeah, Lucifer's digging, poking, wondering where this agitation will go. ]

I should think the best way for your mother to have dignity in death would be for you to honor her memory. But that's just me.

[rank1]

[Travis heaves an aggravated sigh and stops pacing to face Lucifer.]

Dude, it's just how it feels, I'm not polling everyone on the street to get some consensus. What do you want me to say? "Yeah, you're right, not everyone is a piece of shit?" "You're right, I can do something to make up for what happened to her?"

[dealwiththe]

[ Lucifer lifts a shoulder in a half-shrug. ]

Could you have? Done something to make up for it, I mean.

[rank1]

What the hell makes up for that? It's not like killing the woman who killed her does shit to change what happened.

[dealwiththe]

True. You can't change what's already happened.

[ Lucifer rubs absently at his jaw, thinking. ]

How do you think she might've wanted you to make up for it?

[rank1]

[He opens his mouth to reply, but he doesn't know what the hell to say. He doesn't know what she'd think. Thinking about the possibilities is just a rabbit hole with no end.]

I don't think thinking about this shit does anything, bud. Who knows what she'd think? But I know I live a life where people die for a reason.

[dealwiththe]

I think you know what she'd think of how you live now. And it would matter if you let it. If you let her guide your decisions, even after her death, maybe her life would matter. To you, to others.

[ Lucifer squints at Travis for a moment. ]

So yeah, maybe thinking about this shit could do something. If you chose.

[rank1]

[Travis smiles. It feels defensive even to him.]

So what? I become a more well-adjusted person just because I listen to what my mommy tells me from beyond the grave? Say that shit aloud in the wrong company and guys'll come to put me in a padded cell.

[dealwiththe]

[ Lucifer rolls his eyes. ]

Yeah, except for all those people who actually do make decisions based on what they believe their dead loved ones would've wanted. You do know lots of people do that, right? Countless humans throughout the ages have modeled their behavior on those who came before, it's kind of a thing. Arguably, the fact that you didn't do that is weirder.

[rank1]

[A touch sharper:]

So I'm weird. I can live with that. Half my dead loved ones were killers too, you know? Kinda sends mixed messages.

[dealwiththe]

It does, at that.

So which relative do you think you most resemble?

[rank1]

My twin brother, but only if you can see past the douchebag’s sense of style.

[dealwiththe]

I could say the same about mine. Turtlenecks, I'm not kidding.

[ Lucifer rolls his eyes at the very thought. ]

But which relative would you say is your role model? The person who's moral compass - or lack of one - is closest to yours?

[rank1]

[He knows what Lucifer is getting at, but he figures it better to skirt around it. He loathes lying, but their safety matters —— the people who make him wanna act better, even if he’ll never model himself on them.]

My brother’s the only relative alive. He’s not my role model, but I guess we’ve got a similar compass.

[dealwiththe]

[ Mostly, what Lucifer is getting at is all those killers Travis claims are in his family. ]

It's not terribly surprising, that you and your brother would have a similar way of looking at things.

[ He is, of course, assuming that Travis and his brother were - you know, raised together. ]

What about your father? What was he like? Anything in you attributable to him?

[rank1]

We’ve got different ends to the same shit, but yeah. We’re cut from the same cloth.

[But his father… Travis pauses.]

Talking to my dad, you’d think he was a real upstanding guy. Model husband and father and citizen, you know? A lot of people liked him, but the guy was twisted. Real sicko, no humanity in him. I don’t want to be anything like him.