001; text; l.morningstar

[dealwiththe]

[ Probably after the sitch with Theo is resolved - late at night? Early in the morning? Who knows. Time is pretty meaningless to Lucifer. #relatable. ]

I think introductions are in order. My name is Lucifer Morningstar, and I'm a new warden here. For those that recognize my name, yes, I'm probably who you think I am, no, it's not a mistake, and no, I'm not here to kill, maim, torture or eat anyone's soul.

I don't think a soul would have much nutritional value.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here, and I'm used to getting lots of questions, so ask away.

warden filter

What would the over-under be on getting a piano in here do you suppose? Just curious. It's been ages since I've been able to play, and the minibar makes me nostalgic.

[ ooc: if you had a TDM thread with Lucifer, let me know if you'd like it to be game canon or not! I'm fine either way. ♥ ]

Comments

[rank1]

That’s fucking crazy.

So what’s the story? Is the bible true? What have you been up to since? It’s the 21st century now.

[dealwiththe]

Yes, I’m aware of what century it is. And currently, I’m taking a sabbatical as Hell’s therapist to be here.

[rank1]

Dude, the mental image of therapy in Hell is fucking hilarious. Are your patients the guys who like being there? Do you have a big couch like other therapists, but on fire, or made of brimstone?

[saklas]

1. you've only seen therapy in movies, haven't you

2. why are we all unironically indulging this

[rank1]

Yeah. Always seemed boring, too, just laying there and talking. If I had to get therapy, I'd want the kind where they strap you down with electrodes and light you up like a Christmas tree.

And fuck you, I want to know what Satan does for therapy.

[saklas]

I think we have a spot to accommodate that for you.

[rank1]

Shit, really? Where?

[saklas]

[20 minutes of nothing. Volk walked off to get a handle on his temper.]

It's not funny.

[rank1]

Are you kidding me? It’s hilarious. At this very minute I could fight a Lucifer Morningstar cosplayer [(derogatory)] but he’s a therapist AND a warden.

[saklas]

[Nah. He can't do it. There's not a productive conversation to be had about ECT or any of that crap. It's pointless.

No response.]

[dealwiththe]

I'd much prefer you ironically indulge me.

[saklas]

No. Grow up.

[dealwiththe]

[ NTS: can't handle even the mildest joke. Ironically, the amount of growing up he's done means that he isn't going to antagonize this person further - he's clearly an inmate and that's not what Lucifer is here to do. ]

I think everyone can stand to do a bit of growing up, now and again. That's what you're here to do, anyway. But you don't believe that, do you?

[saklas]

Who decides whether or not I'm a grown up, huh? You? What does that look like? Confidence? Telling people you could hurt them but won't? Expensive clothes?

[dealwiththe]

I'd much rather hear what you think - who do you think should decide, and what do you think it should look like?

[saklas]

I should decide, and it should look like whatever the hell I want, because its my life.

But, see, that's not how this place works. Your choices are right and mine aren't. Maybe I should start telling people how much everyone hates me, too.

[dealwiththe]

It certainly is your life. And there are always things in our lives that we can't control - we can only choose how to deal with those things.

How are you dealing with this one?

[ The answer is pretty self-evident - not well. But it's more like a rhetorical question, trying to get him to think a bit instead of just lashing out immediately and constantly. ]

[dealwiththe]

Trust me, no one likes being in Hell, despite the fact that they all send themselves there.

And my couch is a normal couch. Contrary to what it might seem like sometimes, therapy isn't actually torture.

[rank1]

It's 100% torture for a guy like me. So when I get to Hell, make sure you have me breaking rocks or writhing in the fire or something.

[A pause.]

Wow, maybe I shouldn't be giving you ideas. It really would be the perfect torture for me.

[dealwiththe]

I don't determine what's in anyone's Hell loop - it's all you.

And part of the point of being here is to avoid winding up there in the first place. If you make the choice.

[rank1]

[A personalized hell: Non-stop dubbed anime. Surrounded by cosplayers. Boring corporate environments. Vivaldi or some shit. Oh, that'd be twisted.]

Nah, I know what I'm about.

So when did you switch from tempting naked chicks and eternal torment to therapy?Or maybe that's redundant, maybe you get that all the time. Should I pick up a new installation of the Testament to cover this? When's the release date?

[dealwiththe]

My therapist was going to write a memoir about it, but scrapped the idea, I believe. Sorry.

[rank1]

YOUR therapist? This is insane.

[dealwiththe]

A little. But what's crazier: the idea that I spent several years in therapy, working through my issues, confronting the parts of myself I didn't like, learning to connect with others on an emotional level and developing fulfilling relationships? Or that I woke up one day and magically fixed myself?

[rank1]

The therapy, obviously. If you're Satan, you've got insane powers, right? You could do anything, and you wanted people to have agency so you FOUGHT GOD. You were a fucking dragon for a bit, and you and your rebels were thrown down to Earth? That story was metal, man.

And now you're in the 21st century and want to make everyone boring because some guy convinced YOU it was better that way? Jeez, I thought the love+tolerance God was a downgrade from the guy that decided to drown the whole world... I'm not liking where this trilogy is headed.